I'd like to say I'm perfectly fine. That's I'm happy to be alive... but... I don't know.
The past days was all school and things... sometimes I just think too much.
"I'd rather have a rainy day with you than see the sunshine alone.
…or have a hundred days of winter with you here in my arms
I'll be your shelter from the storm just to have you by my side….""I've been standing here with my arms out wide
But you just keep on passing me by,
I could change your life, forever…
If you would just give me the time…
Baby, I'll be staring right at you
But to you I'm invisible.
I could make your heart feel, brand new
Do you even notice me at all?
It's like I'm invisible…"
Let me share my music first.
BOYFRIEND! They're so beautiful! Standing with U
is a really nice song. If you look it up on YouTube on one of their Comeback Special on Melon… they sang it with their hearts! It's such a great song to listen to them sing!
4mens. Um, I'm not familiar to the group but Boyfriend sang the song Confessions.
Let's see… J-Pop? Tegomassu and Arashi… and… Yamashita Tomohisa… oh, and Mai Kuraki. Mai Kuraki is probably the only J-Pop singer that actually made me want to learn the piano and be like her.
*shrug* gotta dream, right? Tegomassu's newest album is Sayonara ni… something? I forget. I did download it though. Arashi… and Yamapi… hnh. whatever. Haha, no matter. I'll listen to J-Pop later.
BUT! CHECK IT OUT!
Boyfriend is going to be in a Japanese Drama where all six flower boys fall in love with the same girl. They're singing the opening for the drama! The song is out March 28th! I'm so ready to download it.
I've been keeping track of the drama and everything…. and they still didn't pick the lucky girl.
The girl who falls in love with all six of them!
Back on topic:
I was able to hang out with you on both rainy and sunny day.
I was…. just… really happy.
Um, it may seem like I'm really happy right now except… I feel really… really… horrible.
My normal smile isn't plastered on my face like it usually is.
I feel like I can't smile right now. Neither can I raise my eyes to look up.
My life goal right now is to put violin covers up on YouTube and magically get a lot of views so then I can magically meet Boyfriend. I need to magically meet them, hug all six of them and have them sign the back of my iPad.
GREAT DREAM right there. (An impossible one, at the same time… =_
How much would you sacrifice for someone?
I do wish I hadn't gotten my hair cut.
Truthfully. But it seems like since my mom used to have her hair short… nah, never mind. Rei… got me a hair clip that only works if you have long hair. He got it for me during the summer…. and I've never wore it yet. I got my hair cut so it's impossible. No matter what I try to do… and find different ways to have my hair up… it never works.
You know what I found out?
That no matter how hard you try, your dreams are never going to come true. No matter what. Not even that little bit of effort that you try to do… it won't work out.
I'm just going to keep bringing myself down, get held up by Rei and then follow James like a puppy.
Yes, I'm stupid.
Yes, I'm annoyed by how I can do that so easily. I… AM…. SUCH… AN ASSHOLE.
So now I'm the one running in circles.
Keep it in, and look forward.I miss LaRissa a lot (T_T)\(^_^) a lot. I saw her a few times the past week though I didn't get a chance to talk to her.
I feel like it's my fault.
Kathleen asked me if I wanted to go shopping with her and Marissa. I said maybe.
Then on Friday, in the morning, I told Kathleen that I couldn't go.
She said: "Jeff and james are going with us to the mall except james is only going if henry is and if he doesn't go then james doesn't. then jeff doesn't go either."
I told Jeff I couldn't go. That's really the thing. I didn't say that I would. I said maybe. You're asking why? I just couldn't.
Henry is in my forum so I said: "I'm gonna convince Henry to not go."
She says no. I see Henry after first block and waved to James.
I asked Henry if he was going and he said he couldn't go in the first place.
Then… Henry said: "James said he wasn't going to go because you weren't going to go."
That doesn't make sense. So Kathleen texted Henry and told Henry to not listen to me in forum… basically everyone didn't go? I don't know. I think I was left out on everything.
So after Orchestra class, I saw Kathleen getting her violin and I said hi.
My fault. Feel free to call me a bitch and an asshole. Been called that before and don't give a damn. Why should I?
But. It's because I never needed all this. No friend, no anything because it's such a fragile thing.
That's why there's always LaRissa.
I saw LaRissa in the hallway and hugged her.
I'm seeing a few of my Asian friends today. I actually can't wait to see them.
But then James asked if I bailed and all that…. not a nice way to say it. haha, but i said: "I just can't go. I'd love to go shopping - especially with you except I can't. "
hee hee, love you too~
James told me that he had a dream about a girl and they were having a great time. He asked me what that means. He didn't specify who the girl was but… most obviously not me.
My friends call me a dead raccoon. I think I'm like that to James too
I've been having dreams about James too. Its really weird. I woke up once… and looked around… and finally realized it was a dream.
There was one where James was actually in my room, helping me do homework.
Then the other one where we both hung out… and had a great time. I was playing on my iPad and he was leaning over... I feel like I can still feel his warmth next to me.
I love dreaming about that…. how those times…. I can never have because I know that he doesn't like me.
It's so…. impossible, isn't it?
I can't sleep anymore at night. I lie awake… staring at the ceiling fan and trying to make it move with my eyes.
I got home the other day… and laid on my bed and for some reason, I felt like I was missing someone.
My cell phone starts ringing and… I looked at it.
I didn't want to pick it up.
I didn't have to.
So I didn't.
I want James to call me.
To tell me it's alright.
Rei keeps calling me during school and it's annoying.
Believe me, it gets suspicious when you keep having to hang up.
…I'm gonna throw my phone on the ground and it'll die and I'll have no other way to contact Ryan.
maybe life will be good then.
Though i feel like I'm seeing every Asian around a lot. Maybe it's just me. No one is going to get my number.
At first, I was thinking of giving my number to James but after Friday? Nah.
Uh, so I asked James what happened on Friday when he and his friends called. Umm… that's really mean.
You aren't supposed to say "f u" to someone else's mom. That's just not right. What the fuck is wrong with YOU to do that?
…and even on Ruzzle? "I love you sooooo much?"
I was going to give James my number on Thursday if we hung out but… nah. It'll be much more of a problem.
I don't give my number to people that still like her
who probably has a connection with her….
and who still might not even though.
I won't give it to James.
Let's see…. I've got Rei's number…. and a few from work… and… Henry's? But I never show that I have a cell phone in front of Henry.
So I can't give it to anyone.
I'm a loner.
For some reason, my heart doesn't know when to stop. Why has it held on for 4 years?
It's so long… but at the same time, it feels like just yesterday… I met James or something.
Here's Daniel Jang:
Here's Jun SungAhn:
This is SungHa Jung:
Ever since I found these guys…. I think it's okay to be what Daniel Jang is. Ethnicity wise.
Ahhh~ James has been looking so cute these days!
Unless it's just me… >_< He looks reallylyyylylylylyylyyyyyy nice….
We had a half day on Friday at school. After 3rd block, I saw James and practically died. For some reason, he looked soooo hot
\(@^_^@)/ really cute like he always is.
He said hi and I just smiled back.
Then again, what I found out is that… I'll never be next to him no matter what. Again and again, no matter what.
It's… such a dream.
Because I even had to ask JEFF! I can believe Jeff over anyone. I mean, besides my friends.
He said that James definitely doesn't like her.
He's in her class.
They're gonna miraculously make up and start talking to each other by the end of school. $20 bucks. I'll be in the back, watching them. So much for a broken heart. It just… can't be fixed.
I want to believe Jeff but when I have believed an Asian from school… it was torture.
You know what else I also found out?
That it's annoying when you're on set…. and your photographer says: "Excellenttttt…. beautifullll…. wonderfullll…."
I just want to like, kick them. They're like, perverts or something. I mean, there are few that don't say it but….
I'm fine if Rei is there.
Because as we all know, group photos are better than being alone.
Cuz what else can she say?
"You and Rei look precious together."
…WTF does that mean?
I do know what that means but… do you really have to say that?
Special terms = modeling terms
5' 4" = 101 lb.
GUESS WHO'S COMING SOON?!?!
During the spring break…. I'm hanging out with a very special guy.
Though… I do… want to hang out with James….
I wanna be able to keep hanging out with him.
Knowing… that…. I do want to talk to James.
But once I start talking, I can't stop.
I'm a loud person when someone gets me started.
I'm only loud when someone makes me start talking and if I'm around people I know personally.
I guess… I don't really know James much. ^_^; but… usually because I can't really talk around guys that I really like.
"I don't accept charity." I've only heard two people say that in my life. Him and Jake. Pfft~ hilarious.
I guess that's true. All my friends are rich-ass kids. If I get them something, they get me something back. Especially the guys.
*tsk* look it what he got me! This adorable Totoro sweatshirt. Agh! It's adorable but now he's spoiling me.
I'm kidding when I tell people they have to buy me a life supply of pocky.
The next day, I find a box, a BOX of 20 packs of pocky.
…. but I'm broke right now. I wasted my money cuz my friends are greedy.
You know what bothers me?
I say: "Describe me." to my friends at work….
They all say: "Pretty, adorable, funny, eccentric, cute, happy, talkative…."
I say: "Describe me." to people at school….
They would say: "Nice. Considerate…."
I must be… so different then. I wish I could be around James like I do my friends.
Or really… the person that I really am. I am who I really am when I'm around my friends at work.
So I guess I should be asking who am I?
It's not that I can't talk.
I love talking with my friends. We're a bunch of hoodlums that talk loud in the library. Stupid UCLA girl. <_<
We go to Starbucks and I magically have to pay for each of their drinks. If a drink costs about 7 for a medium… and there's at least 10 of us… give or take an extra 10 or 20 because they like making me waste money on them… and that's like, every other week.
Unnecessary. So I share their drinks.
But don't worry, we all take off from one another.
It's just that… when I talk to him in particular, I have nothing to say.
I just… like hearing him talk.
Cuz from where I sat so close but yet so far… it's overwhelming.
Like, he just has a different scent than the rest of my guy friends.
They all have A&F "fierce" on them.
While on the other hand, that rainy day….
was the best day of my life.
I wished so much that time would've stopped.
Even for another second… just to be with him.
Not just walking side by side but… it was his sweatshirt. That sweatshirt….
I know…. that he said that I'm like a sister to him…. I'm just a sister to him. I know that already sunk in, knowing so painfully that it's true….
I just wanted it to keep raining.
I wanted time to stop.
I wanted…. to look at him and… smile.
The sweatshirt that I was able to wear…. and afterwards, when I got back in my room, my hair was wet and messy and all I smelled was him.
Ha. Don't think I didn't notice that look up and down. Rei, get away.
It's like, not awkward when a guy sees you changing… it isn't.
Haha, yes, I'm weird.
I smile and think about it….and I just know it's alright.
Life is alright and…. I can look up.
Henry told me: "Jacquelynn, I can look at any Korean and tell you about them."
*points to her*
"Oh, she's a slut. She seems like a b**** too."
"Henry, are you PSYCHIC?!"
…but. but… I feel bad.
No, I don't…. and yes I do.
…forgive me when I say this… but!
It's nice, saying hi in the hallways when we pass.
Like that time… I practically ran out of Orchestra. I was so tired… and I saw her. I think she was running to her car.
I did hear a lot of Seniors and Juniors complain about how they have to get out there quickly or else you'll be stuck in traffic.
I'd hate that. I'm an impatient person.
Well… it seemed like she was going to say hi. I mean, I was going to too. But I just smiled at her and ran out the school to my bus.
…Jeff is lying.
But… it seemed so true. Unless he was just saying everything… just because he wanted to know.
If then… I hate you, Jeff.
I have a heart with holes and I have no idea how it's holding on.
I'm depressed as hell and it just reminded me that I can never have James.
I found out that someone likes James
Why is it that everyone tells me who they like when I'm trying so hard to just smile and live?
Someone likes Steve
Someone likes Jeff
why is it… that?
Okay, so it's true when they say that they're out of your reach.
So I can't believe Jeff.
I don't want to go through everything again.
Though… if he wasn't lying…. I think I'm just going around in circles in my head.
Because sometimes I wish that there was no such things as love.
I bet all the money in my pocket…that James didn't read this. I swear to god, I hope he didn't. I have… let me count… hmm… I can't count higher than 1. But it seems like I have 200 dollars in my pocket.
I just feel so… annoyed and really…. really… sad.
I need a comforting hug.
Not the playful one Rei gives me… but just one from James.
Haha, just too much to ask?
Yeah, too much to ask.
Oh, but… I told Jeff that…. I was jealous.
Jealous of the person that likes Steve and the one that likes Jeff.
They… said their like and love... so openly.
It's just they didn't know what would happen if something went wrong.
Recently, I've been asking James to hang out with me.
He seems… really… busy."I have to go to practice."
"See ya! Oh… but, hey, Masaya? We haven't talked much during the time at the zoo…" oh my gosh, am I really saying this?"Yeah. I have a kendo tournament coming up soon. Today, I'm helping college students do research at the Inohara park."So it's not like we're really dating or anything.
"The park?""It's summer but the cherry blossoms are still in bloom. They're conducting research to see if this is the result of the greenhouse effect."
"You seem really busy! So good luck!" I'm just a bit… lonely.
"Ichigo? We'll go somewhere again. Just the two of us…"
Yeah….. so I think I should stop. I'm probably bothering him a lot… :/
Yeah, sorry about that.
Time for me… to make plans with some of my friends then...
It's just… I don't feel so great as eating lunch with them is not better than 15 minutes with James….
Hmm… gonna go eat something right now.
…some unhealthy stuff…. probably a lot of it too. =_=
cuz I can.
maybe some ice cream, soda, chips, and candy.
Can't stop me.
"Eat and be happy."
Cuz there's no other way.
Eh, eh, eh
I love youu~
"Magic is where you're in the background and only you know what's going on. To everyone else, that is magic. To you, it's just what you do." ~my dad
Yeah, I'm tired. I think I'll go to sleep. I don't have anything to do this Saturday anyway… I don't have anything to do at all… except think about James…. I wish I could stop dreaming.
oh… that's right… I have to work on Thursday. Can you kill me?
aghuuuhghhghgah~ (nah, I can't make that weird noise)… too lazy...